I originally wanted to blog about how you decide what type of undergarments you have your character wear. Boxers, briefs or commando. While it seems like a silly question we often have to get our characters out of their clothing to get to the good stuff. But the topic of bullying has been on the forefront lately. Having been bullied in different ways, because of my orientation, anonymously from people I work with in education, to people on the streets, I thought about it for a long time. Then I watched as something happened in a yahoo group. I noticed that there are a group of people who bully in a group setting using email.
Surprised? I’m not. I teach online and I have encountered behavior that would never fly in the classroom. Things are said from the comfort of our office chair that would never, ever be said face to face, and yet it is allowed under the guise of “free speech”. Well it is destructive at best, demoralizing at worst and uncalled for. We have all seen them, the drive by email bully who doesn’t single someone out, but bullies without naming names. He/she talks about the larger group and then singles out a few general people, authors, publishers or titles he/she has issues with. By bullying the collective group, many don’t think it is about them, because, “surely he/she isn’t talking about me” or “I wonder who he/she means?” If the bully is the moderator of the group, there is little you can do. You can call them on it, but ultimately they own the group. It isn’t a democracy in those groups, it is a dictatorship, plain and simple. So, if you want to stay you suck it up and take it, or you can leave the group. Either way it is your choice.
Then there is the bully that is outright deliberate in their disdain for a book, author, website, or blog and makes no bones about pointing out their frustration with their work, their writing style or their story. Picking it apart like a vulture picks apart a carcass, leaving little behind but the broken author or publisher to defend themselves. If the author/publisher is lucky, someone will come to their aid, putting themselves in the line of fire of the bully. Then the bully moves on to another unknowing victim the next time he/she buys a book and it doesn’t meet their expectations, or they felt as though they have wasted their money on what they perceive as a useless purchase.
While everyone is entitled to their opinion, why spread negative energy around a group? If you don’t like a book, ask for your money back, email the author or contact the publisher and discuss it with them. Let’s be clear, bullying on a group isn’t giving constructive feedback, or giving an “honest” review of a book. It is plain and simple bullying. We all want our work to matter, but sometimes a bully doesn’t care about you, or your work. It’s self serving and unfortunate.
Why do I write this? Has it happened to me? Sure, but my momma didn’t raise any thin skinned babies. I write about it because I witnessed a moderator of a group do exactly what I have discussed. Sadly, only one called them on it, and a few disagreed with the moderator’s position, but it only added fuel to an already out off control burn. Then the self-inflicted victimization started. You can’t cry victim if you call other bigots, racists, or haters and then do exactly what you’ve just accused someone else of doing. See how that works?
What happened before the internet and instance gratification? It takes time to sit down and write a letter, it takes no time to sit down and vent on your computer. What do you think? Am I way off here or have you experienced this yourself?
Isabella
Isabella, well said. Bullies should not be tolerated anywhere.
I find it interesting when people on the internet mention ‘freedom of speech’ as a constitutional right which is certainly applicable to the USA but the internet is a global arena. Here in Australia the freedom of speech is NOT in our Constitution and I am sure there are many other countries who also have no mention of ‘freedom of speech’ in their constitution. So hiding behind the freedom of speech to inflame and disrespect others is not on in my opinion and country.
Thanks for blogging about bullying.
Devlyn
Brilliant post Isabella. I totally agree with you. I don’t think it matters which part of the world we are from, the problem is always the same. Certainly so with the now cyber bullying on the interent. I’ve had first hand experience with this particular form of bullying. Not for myself, so much, although a bit.. But my 12 year old grandson on FB. Yes, I know he shouldn’t be on it until he’s 14, but all his friends are and it’s down to peer pressure. But bullying is bullying.
I’ve seen what is going on on some of the groups. Quite frankly, I’m now getting to the point that I’ve had enough. None of belonging to these groups is a pleasure anymore. Maybe I should be a bit more vociferous and shout a bit louder and make myself heard. I don’t know what the answer is. I only know that what used to be a great pleasure has now become a drudge. Yeah, I’m feeling pissed today. But bullying is despicable and shouldn’t be tolerated in any way, shape, or form. So, yeah, I am right behind you 100% on this post.
Thanks for addressing this, Isabella.
Bullying, in my experience, comes from a place of fear. The bully’s, I mean. The bully usually has some deep-seated issue that they are unable to face and so turn the flame on another to deflect their own insecurity. Every group has the right to set the agenda for what they stand for, but I you are going to say the group champions freedom of speech and diversity, you’d better be willing to accept others’ opinions. Especially when they differ from your own. I am new to lesfic and confess that I find myself baffled by the in-fighting and flaming that goes on in order to further various agendas. I try to support all authors actively, even if they are not with my publisher. Alas, support is not reciprocal, sometimes even close to home. I wonder why that is? Authors trash each other, withhold assistance, and bash independents summarily, whether or not the criticism is deserved. Have we become so bitter in our quest to capture a share of the marketplace that we’re willing to step on each other to get there, no matter what? I don’t know. I hope not. I find myself treading carefully, like I’m navigating a minefield, uncertain of where danger lies. So, I try to find common ground everywhere. In the end, I know I can only control me.
Isabella, thank you for your honesty and fresh outlook. Call me crazy, but I think there is room in our little corner of the world for some new ideas about how we should all behave. Maybe if we all stop for a bit of introspection, we can move forward more positively. That can only be good for us all.
Peace.
LM
An interesting and timely topic (like the alliteration?). The topic seems to have permeated cyberspace inspiring three different blogs in a similar vein in the past week including, http://bevprescott.wordpress.com/2012/01/22/in-the-cross-hairs-of-a-bully/ and a nice post by Decky Bradshaw with a quote from Lion In Winter… “For the love of God, can’t we love one another just a little…”
There’s definitely something in the air that I’ve been observing for months and still can’t put my finger on it. The collective “we” seems to be out of whack, off kilter, unbalanced. We are all aware of global uncertainties, economic disaster, political unrest, fear mongering, hatred, greed, and distrust. All of this seems to have created the general climate of Us vs. Them.
What we’re losing is our humanity. And it’s heartbreaking. If the principles on which this country was founded—and thrived for several hundred years—are now being used to tear us apart. Something has to change. Turning a blind eye to this behavior seems counterproductive. Sadly I don’t have the answer, but I think now is that time for each one of us to try a little harder to be patient and ‘love each other just a little’.
Thanks for tackling this thorny issue respectfully.
Barrett
Hi Isabella,
I agree with you 100%. You are totally spot on with your assessment of bullying. I agree that folks have the right to freedom of speech, but not when it becomes unlawful or harmful to others. There are many forums in which bullying transpires, the LGBT community, work settings, schools and so forth. If you remember, we had a brief conversation about this very subject, in which I said, why do people find it necessary to be hurtful, hateful and downright rude, when they should just keep their mouths shut. Most recently, my niece has been going through this very thing, all over a boy at school. She has been bullied via text messages, Facebook and displays of vandalism near the school for all to see. She eventually ended up transfering to a different school setting, as even as proactive my sister is, she was getting nowhere with school administration to address the matter. When are people going to realize their negative actions will have a profound effect on these innocent victims.
Just giving a piece of my mind!!
Michelle